Time

How do we describe self-awareness? It could be an ability to recognize and understand one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It can allow a person to reflect on their own mental and emotional states, understand their motivations, and recognize how they are perceived by others. I'm not convinced self-awareness is a fixed trait, or limited to humans. It can be cultivated and developed over time. Sometimes we go on autopilot, without conscious effort into every single action we execute. We don't ponder about every single step we take, every single word we say, or every single thought that crosses our mind; a large part of our daily lives are spent in routines and habits. Dolphins and elephants can recognize themselves in a mirror, and surely that moment of self-recognition is like surfacing from the ocean of instinct.

My perspective is it's an ability to make a choice, and this ability exists on a spectrum. A choice to touch upon an unknown cognitive circuit. Sometimes it feels like we are lost in a dream, clinging to the words of left by those long gone from another era. As an animal, we are constrained to the senses that provide a given truth. So when we fall upon hard times, it should be reasonable to feel things like hopelessness and despair. But the better part of us tells us to look forward to better times, because we have an ability to define a future trajectory in terms of a presently defined basis of axioms and beliefs.

The experience of time seems nonlinear. Emotions appear to stretch and compress it in various dimensions. For example, time spent suffering can feel like an eternity, while time spent in joy can be evanescent. Conversely, our memory of those durations can be insignificant, and memorable respectively. I can think of the past as a collection of typed memories [or observations], the present as a raw experience, and the future as a place for dreams as well as fears. So when we think about the future, we are thinking about a place that doesn't exist yet, but we can imagine it, touch it with our minds even. We can model how things will turn out, and we can make choices to influence that outcome. But we can never be certain if something will happen.

In my algorithms class we learned about this cool problem formulation called flow networks. Suppose that we can represent life as a graph, nodes representing states of being, and edges representing the choices we make. We can define flow here as the energy or potential that propels us toward our desired state. The goal is to focus this energy and maximize its utility. Some choices will lead us slowly through pleasant states, while others will take us quickly through challenging ones. Choices can also hold us back, enforcing a upper bound on flow. I think the key is to find the right balance, a path that we can bear but also one that will lead us to our desired state in reasonable time. But at the end of the day our actions are the defining factor.